Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
