is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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