watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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