bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
