mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
