I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
