Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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