I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
