I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
