I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
