oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
