i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
