I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He passed out mid-signature
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
