so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
