no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
