ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
