I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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