All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
