I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
