Your dad touched me again.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
