I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
