A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
