so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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