If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
