You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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