Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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