when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
