someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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