I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize