after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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