Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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