youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
