we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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