Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
