you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
