We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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