you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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