I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
