If that was your dad, he is hot
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
