I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The Olympian is in my bed
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
