i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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