Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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