nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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