you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
