I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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