I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
