i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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