Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
