After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
