I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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