he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
