If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
