True but thats because hes a fetus.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
