I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize