then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
