Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Everyone says I win the strip club
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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