theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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