every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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