Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
