turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
