she is the kim kardashian of front butts
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
