I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
