you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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