he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Four minutes until I can fart!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
