I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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