Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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