dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
