Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
