WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
