I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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