I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
there is glitter all over my balls
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
