I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
