didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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